Twice as Good Wasn't Supposed to Cost You This Much
“You have to be twice as good to get half as much.” Many black women have either heard this directly, or have internalized the unspoken sentiment. The phrase suggests that in order for you to experience success, abundance, or respect, you have to prove your value above and beyond that of your white counterparts. Society has shown you that you’re not allowed to be “good enough.” There’s this episode of Scandal that always sticks with me; in it, we see Eli Pope (played by the great Joe Morton, who acted like rent was DUE) going IN on his daughter Olivia (played by the amazing Kerry Washington) following the media storm that came with her admitting her affair with the President. He monologues about her being swayed by a man with power and scoffs at her for being “so mediocre” in her perceived desires to be First Lady. And in one of the most memorable scenes, he inches closer to her face and reminds her that she has to be “twice as good as them to get half of what they have!" Outside of the intensity of the delivery, what makes this scene so noteworthy is the familiarity of the sentiment. I find myself reflecting on the ways in which that push toward excellence impacts mental health outcomes. Feeling the effects of pushing that hard is very likely, especially if all that pushing lands you in spaces where no one looks like you. Now your nervous system is shot and you may feel isolated in spaces where you spend most of your time.
I think about many of the clients with whom I work who feel tied to this idea of perfectionism. For some, it doesn’t even feel like perfectionism, it feels like ambition. But with perfectionism, the brain has a tendency to move the goalpost whenever we inch closer to accomplishing a goal. We continue producing, but at what cost? Stress takes a toll on both the mind and the body in measurable ways. Many of my clients notice sleep disturbances, headaches, GI issues, worry, heightened irritability, etc. Further, Black women are at disproportionately higher risk for heart problems than their counterparts (Neergheen et al., 2019). I cannot imagine that high stress roles (both personal and professional) help these outcomes.
So what to do? We spend so much time pushing towards productivity, that the concept of slowing down or stopping may feel unattainable. But we need rest! We need to recognize signs and symptoms of burnout (more to come on that), and learn ways to ease our nervous systems. If you’re reading this, I want to challenge you to consider some of the following questions:
If I could do anything right now, what would it be? Don’t think too hard, just write down the first thing that comes to mind. What’s getting in the way of doing that thing? What would it look like to create time for it?
Who am I when I’m not in service to others? What lights you up? What makes you, uniquely you?
What would rest look like for me? Rest is not just sleeping at night or doomscrolling on your phone. Webster’s dictionary has a couple of definitions of rest that stick out to me: “freedom from activity or labor” and “peace of mind or spirit.” How peaceful is your mind during periods of “rest”?
There's no single prescription here; the path to rest looks different for everyone. I understand we live in a world where inequity can make it harder to break into certain spaces. I also understand, though, that balance is a way to sustainable outcomes, and rest and connection to yourself are good starting points. A reminder from Tricia Hersey in her book “Rest is Resistance;”
“Rest is a healing portal to our deepest selves. Rest is care. Rest is radical. We must stand and lay firmly in the space of creating a life filled with rest and radical care, even amid oppression.”
If any of this resonates and you want to learn ways to reduce perfectionism-driven overwhelm, I'd love to talk. I work with individuals who want to learn how to put down the superhero cape for a bit and focus on their own healing. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation and let's explore what rest and healing could look like for you.
About the author: Dr. LaTasha Miller is a clinical psychologist and founder of Protea Psychological Services, specializing in trauma, burnout, and culturally responsive care for BIPOC and LGBTQIA high-achieving adults.